My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
