What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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