Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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