i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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