I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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