OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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