This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
