You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
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