I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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