1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
