So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
