i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize