Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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