did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
