I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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