If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Randomize
