and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
