I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
3pm strippers are depressing
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
