Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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