I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
me + whiskey = a bad person
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
