Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize