A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
