i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
