You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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