I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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