Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
