Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
