remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
