dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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