my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
