I wish I could teleport
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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