how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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