just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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