I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
