I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
