I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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