i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
