No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
