Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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