the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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