I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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