Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
