i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
