he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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