Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
