Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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