eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
