apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
