I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
