The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
