Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
It's Friday. Sex?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
