I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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