Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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