2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize