Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize