My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
