does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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