Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
