Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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